I HATE Autism

Hey guys!!!

I was hoping that my first post would be a happy one, but unfortunately it will not.  Tonight was hard.  Tonight was the last night of Vacation Bible School at our church.  Once we got there, Jaxon was all out of sorts. Jaxon finally told me, "go home" so my mom took him to the car so they could go home and I could stay.  About a minute later I get a phone call from my mom needing my help in the parking lot.  She was getting Jaxon in the car, and he slipped out of her grip and headed toward the road.  My mom was able to grab him, but the result was both of them falling over the curb.  My poor mom was bleeding when I got to the car.  She and Jaxon are ok, but it is so scary when he gets out of our grip.  He has been so unpredictable lately, that I honestly don't know if he would run into the road or not. 

I love my son with every fiber of my being.  I love his smile, his voice, his goofiness.  In saying that I will also say that I HATE AUTISM!  I hate the fact that I have to fight Autism so I can take my son to do everyday things like go to the grocery store.  My son shouldn't have to wear noise cancelling headphones everywhere just so he can filter out all of the stimulation.  My son shouldn't have multiple meltdowns daily because of reasons I'm still trying to figure out.  My son shouldn't struggle at school because he's not getting his needs met.  My son shouldn't hit me over and over and over because he can't get his emotions out. Autism is what I have to fight daily and it is the biggest struggle I have ever had.

I hate Autism.  I love my son.  My son has Autism.  It is very hard to keep your composure while your son is hitting you.  It is hard because I just want to make him stop, but giving him that attention will make it worse.  So I stand there and take it.  It's heartbreaking to flinch when he runs up to me because I don't know if he will hit me or not.  Autism sucks. 

I know that Jaxon will improve over time and we are just in a rough patch.  I know that I am in the valley and praying daily for God to look after us and to help Jaxon.  And I know that one day, we will be standing on top of that mountain victorious because we persisted.